Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
