i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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