Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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