Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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