booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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