Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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