i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We're too hungover to prance.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
