i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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