Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
