Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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