I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
