Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
