8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
