I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
