Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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