My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
