sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
