I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
