I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
