i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
love makes seman taste better
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
