I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I didn't notice because vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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