you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
