that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
