I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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