I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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