There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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