And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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