She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
