So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
