GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
