If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
