i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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