I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
