I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
