you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
