girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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