a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
