that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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