I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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