Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
