I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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