At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
