Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
