Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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