The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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