btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
