I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
