So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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