the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
