I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
