you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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