It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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