I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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