I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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